As my eyes open that morning just right on my bed, I knew I couldn’t handle the weird feeling I was having already.
It was a feeling of discontentment, fear, disappointment, anger, pain and hopelessness.
I woke up with an empty spirit with a feeling of dissatisfaction, I wasn’t happy with what my life was, I felt deep down it could have been better and I was covered up with the frustration of achieving nothing after all these years.
There was no certainty of things getting better because it was like I have been waiting all my life.
That very morning it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop, I already was used to how things would turn out.
Though I still had the miracle of existence, some food to eat and a family that loves me but I wasn’t appreciative of that because I was overwhelmed by all the negative experiences.
Fear of what?
I battled depression every single day, the fear of losing my life to what I couldn’t control, and the fact that changing how I felt about everything didn’t just seem possible.
The fear of not been successful or having a meaningful life like everyone else, for me it was too late to start all over again, it was too difficult to imagine things will work out if I took a leap of faith.
What could have been the reason for the anger?
I was angry at everything and everyone, disappointment from the people I trusted and more from myself.
The thought that kept running through my head was, if only Mr A, Mr B assisted me, what about the friend that left when I needed their support.
Furious about the relationships that left me broken, those that were full of betrayal, abuse and disrespect.
But, I was barking up the wrong tree, I thought my wellness was dependent on people, friends and society, so I blamed everyone including myself.
Bit by bit my heart was losing its joy, I would look at the mirror and tell myself “You couldn’t even get a life for yourself!”.
Somehow I knew to stand out I had to take up the challenge, fight, believe and support myself instead of waiting for someone to push me to my feet.
The pain I was feeling went just right with a broken heart. I once heard of a boy whose heart felt like it was in pieces and every piece had a jagged edge, that was exactly how I was feeling.
Everyone thought I was fine and everything was going well with me, yes I always looked like I got everything figured out but only if they took a glance through my inside.
Sometimes it is just you that know how difficult the struggle is, and that is why if anyone will make things better, it has to be you.
I was totally hopeless
At this point, I knew I had lost every last hope I had, but my spirit won’t let me stop fighting.
You may not be aware, but your mind only keeps fighting when it knows there is still strength left to fight and there are chances of winning.
And by sunset, I had felt all the emotions that took me to the very peak of giving up and the ones that told me someday I will feel better, achieve everything I ever hoped for if only I keep fighting and believing.
I realised that, if I take my life I have achieved nothing, but if I keep fighting someday I will win.
There are days we will feel terrible, disappointed and entirely miserable about everything that’s happening around us and it’s okay to feel that way because the truth is everyone has their broken days but, we must keep believing and fighting, that is where your victory lies.
We must know that everyone has their own time of victory and if we keep comparing ourselves to other’s time of achievement, we may lose hope of the future and find ourselves battling depression.
Life gets better when we believe it can.
The Exceptional Blog